You Said vs. I Heard

An effective method of initiating Real Dialogue between individuals.

When one finds themselves in the midst of a difficult conversation, it is a common habit to respond by saying "you said". We may do this in an attempt to convey what was heard, or to reflect the other, yet this way of speaking may inadvertently create conflict. This occurs when the other person believes they have been misunderstood, or that their words were taken out of context, or even used against them. Using “you said” may also activate defensiveness in the other, particularly when what you are stating is not what the other person believes they said. This type of interaction often escalates into a conflict where one person tries to convince the other that something was said or happened a certain way, and the other person is confused at best, or reactive at worst, as they don't remember it in that manner.

It is important to remember that when we engage in dialogue, we hear what the other person says through the lens of our subjective experience. What we hear is colored by our emotional state of the moment, along with our history of complex interpersonal interactions with this person, and other significant figures in our lives. We may not be conscious of this in the moment, and may simplify what is heard into a familiar, bite-size mantra (e.g., my partner can't communicate) that likely distorts the amplitude and complexity of what the other is saying, and further shuts down our ability to listen.

In order to create more space in the interpersonal field, it is helpful to stick to "I" statements, such as "I heard," or "I understood", or "I remember it this way". This enables you to convey your experience, and move away from debating what the other expressed. Speaking for yourself, can create a pause where you can state what you heard, while still being curious about what the speaker meant. It also allows the other person to recognize the impact of their words, and to clarify their intent, and may ultimately lead to less conflictual, and more productive, conversations.

This is a technique used in Real Dialogue, a method created by Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath, and I encourage you to try it some time. It can feel like a breath of fresh air, especially when you are stuck in a repetitive dialogue with a loved one. Using the skill of speaking for yourself , can also help lower the emotional threat in a conversation, and create a space where each of you may listen differently, and perhaps even discover something new about each other.