You Said vs. I Heard

An effective method of initiating Real Dialogue between individuals.

When one finds themselves in the midst of a difficult conversation, it is a common habit to use the phrase "you said" in response to the other. While usually intended to clarify what was heard, this statement may inadvertently create more conflict, particularly if the "you" is heard as an accusation of the other or a deflection of responsibility. The tendency to resort to "you said" is especially strong when one feels misunderstood or attacked, or that one's words are being using against us. Yet this statement may encourage defensiveness in the other, particularly if the other person's memory of the exchange differs from yours. These interactions quickly devolve into a "battle of truths", where one person attempts to convince the other that something was said or happened a certain way, while the other may feel confused at best, or similarly emotionally activated, at worst, by a narrative that contradicts their lived experience.

Remember that we cannot hear others with perfect objectivity, rather we hear them through the lens of our subjective experience. Our perception is colored by our current emotional state, our history of interpersonal interactions with this person, and the relational patterns established in childhood, which may unconsciously bias us. Unfortunately, one is generally not aware of the complexity of these influences in the moment and often responds by distilling complex dialogue into reductive, bite-size mantras. Statements such as "he always blames me", or "she never listens" generally project the problem onto the other, and while they may lead you to feel less overwhelmed, they distort the nuanced complexity of the conversation and shut down our ability truly listen.

In order to expand the interpersonal field and facilitate understanding, one can shift to "I" statements, such as "I heard," "I understood", or "My memory of that is .." This enables you to convey your experience with humility, and move away from debating "what happened". Speaking for yourself also creates a pause where you can state what you heard, and clarify what the speaker meant. With less pressure, the other person may recognize the impact of their words, which can lead to a more productive dialogue.

Speaking for yourself and remaining curious, are techniques used in Real Dialogue, a method developed by Dr. Polly Young-Eisendrath, and can help lower the emotional threat of a conversation. You may wish to try them the next time you find yourself in a repetitive, circular argument with a loved one. Shifting into this mode can feel like a breath of fresh air, and may even lead you to discover something new about the other.